'Purple Jesus' promises to deliver a miracle

'Purple Jesus' promises to deliver a miracle
July 31, 2013, 12:00 am
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Adrian Peterson gave reporters a gift-wrapped story idea when he declared he would break the NFL's all-time rushing record. (AP)



Who didn't love John Stockton's fundamentals? (USA TODAY IMAGES)

Adrian Peterson declared that he would break Emmitt Smith’s all-time rushing record in 2017, leading us to say three equally wacky things:

1. This proves he uses performance-enhancing drugs because it is such an outlandish claim, and when baseball players do that, shrieks of PED quickly follow (and we are not serious here, so don’t turn all blue and cranky).
2. This creates a new fantasy league threshold – future seasons played now.
3. This shows how quickly reporters run out of questions in training camp.

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But the Peterson prediction did inspire this tweet from single-season yardage champ Eric Dickerson: “Wishing @ChrisJohnson28 & @AdrianPeterson the best of luck this season. Just remember 2105 isn't as easy as you think! #nfltrainingcamp.”

You could almost hear the diabolical cackle as he said it.

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The daily predictions that the Biogenesis suspensions would be handed down Tuesday marks the 11th consecutive weekday in which the suspensions have been predicted and not happened. But if they happen Wednesday during the trade deadline, then we forgive all reporters for their laughable guesses because it means that the people who run Major League Baseball use straight gin in a policeman’s show as their PED of choice.

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This is the definition of destructive hype: If Johnny Manziel had done as much as people have written about how much he’s done, he would have shot up three banks, taken on Faye Dunaway and Michael J. Pollard as accomplices, and been shot by the cops while fixing a tire.

It’s called Bonnie and Clyde. IMDB it, if you don’t believe me.

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Vin Scully, meet Brian Wilson. He’s kind of like Manny Ramirez, only he works a lot harder on pretending to be wacky.

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And you know the Dodgers are back when you learn, as Mark Saxon of ESPN.com did, that Jay Z and Scott Boras were four seats apart in the Dodger Stadium Poachers’ Section. And you make of this what you will: When shown on the scoreboard, Jay Z (and in an unrelated development, so was Kevin Durant) was booed. Boras? Untouched.

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Alberto Callaspo, Oakland Athletic, rather than Jake Peavy: Discuss. No, on second thought, never mind.

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I didn’t really love Ossie Scheckman until I learned of his death, at age 94. But the first man to ever score in an NBA game (1946) is exactly what you want in an old guy, especially when it comes to accepting things like, well, change for the better. From a 2003 interview:

“When I watch the games on the TV, I can't help projecting myself into the action. Naturally, I concentrate on the point guards since that was my position. And it's a thrill to see guys like Mike Bibby, Steve Nash and John Stockton. Their fundamentals are outstanding — footwork, balance, shooting techniques, ballhandling skills. Contrary to what some old fogeys might say, I think their fundamental skills are much better than ours ever were.”

Any guy who can say, “Things are much better than they were in my day” gets my vote. On the other hand, Whitey Skoog and Leo Gottlieb get screwed by history again.

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And finally, Chip Kelly’s revolutionary approach to the NFL might have to be restricted to throwing Molotov cocktails in the locker room at halftime. The NFL sent vice president of officiating Dean Blandino to make sure the Eagles know that the referees won’t speed the game up for Kelly’s convenience.

"We have to make sure teams understand that they don’t control the tempo, our officials do,” Blandino told Kevin Clark of the Wall Street Journal. “We’re going through our normal ball mechanics, we aren’t going to rush (unless) it’s in the two minute drill.”

Somehow, Chip Kelly at 33 rpm seems really funny – particularly when he finds out how much he will hate it.